I recently went on a weekend getaway with my husband. We have a 5 month old and a two year old and desperately needed to take a breath and re-connect. Lately we had been so busy that we only spoke to each other like robots coordinating daily plans and logistics, kids pickups, classes, groceries, kids updates (a new tooth, two tantrums etc)...all while having tiny humans hanging off of us. It was needed.
To be honest I also needed to take a break from mom life, disconnect and think. Life was going a mile a minute and I was reeling into break down mode. I'm so grateful to be working, studying and helping other moms with sleep but was feeling overwhelmed by so many things I failed to see came along with being in the sleep industry.
One of these was the real existence of mom shaming and mom guilt perpetuating in mom's circles and mom's groups - this is by far not the case in every moms circle/group, I have been so lucky to have a supportive and non-judgmental group of mama friends. I’m talking about groups where moms don’t know each other or get together for playdates and therefore feel the need to criticize those they do not know, which is even worse! You don’t know what that mom is going through.
I have always been 100% supportive of all types of parenting philosophies. Maybe I'm naïve but I just assumed most people would be. In the end it's no ones business to judge how you raise your kids. I was shocked when I instead saw that mom shaming is still prevalent. Its existence is in a new wave of "alternative" sleep training and attachment parenting crusaders.
To clarify, I have nothing against the attachment parenting philosophy in itself. What I do have a problem with, is people that use it to instill fear in moms, its propaganda and its not factual evidence based information. The term "sleep training" in itself has been demonized and attacked, taken to only mean the act of leaving your baby to cry in a room by themselves with no parental support for long periods of time.
I don't know one sleep consultant that would recommend this, its not even a thing! Even any controlled crying methods have a supporting loving parent who ensure that a baby's needs are met at every step. If you are trying to change/modify any sort of behaviour (I'm sorry but that IS sleep training), you can change the name all you want. I’ve heard sleep coaching, sleep learning, sleep methods its all the same thing! There are many methods within the scope of sleep training and you should choose one that you are comfortable with. Sleep training is not as simplistic as only cry it out.
There is nothing wrong with cry based methods (see below for list of studies on this for and against) just as there is nothing wrong with gentle methods. Just like there is nothing wrong with moms choosing to co-sleep, bed-share or have their babies sleep in their crib, bassinet ect.
I'm not less "natural" because I did not breastfeed my baby. I'm also not less connected to my child if I allow them to protest and self soothe. I find each spectrum of this industry to be full of ideas of what way of parenting is ideal, what is bad and a generalization of what mothers should be and do. Wanting more sleep and needing more sleep doesn’t make for bad parents or parents who are ignoring what is biologically normal.
The sooner parents accept that we all parent differently the more accepting and guilt-free our moms communities will become. That’s right, a community WITHOUT mom guilt!
There is no superior or right way to parent. Both sides of the spectrum might mean well, but are tearing each other down. Whether you choose a gentle or cry based method that is a mothers choice because she knows what is best for her and her family. All work, all have their merits and 100% none are going to damage your child or cause you to lose any connection with them. In the end, a loving, supportive parent is the only thing your child needs.
What gets me most is the passive-aggressive, scare mongering that because you choose to teach your baby to self settle you are not a responsive parent. In the end I've worked with exhausted parents struggling to manage daily because of severe sleep deprivation, needing some kind of relief. There is nothing wrong with that, there is nothing wrong with wanting more rest for your family (we all NEED it).
This is where I think I can help moms, by getting to know a family and working with them to choose the best approach (out of the number of possible approaches out there) that best fits. No matter what you choose I can guarantee there will be crying (even the gentlest methods include crying), that's how babies communicate.
Crying is how babies protest change, when habits are so engrained they are hard to change and I can’t blame babies for protesting this completely new way of doing things. No one likes change. If you are a mom that is perfectly happy with your situation, that amazing! All I ask is to please not judge other for wanting to change theirs. They are doing the best for their families just as you are for yours - there’s no need for adding mom guilt.
Mom guilt, subtle shaming and judging does not foster a community of support and in the end we're all in this together. We all love our children and want what's best for them and the best for them is you at your best self and whatever you choose for them.
End rant. In the end, this is my opinion but as a mom who has dealt with a lot of mom guilt I had to say something about this topic.
Evidence:
Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology (1959) : "No unfortunate side - or after affects of this treatment we’re observed. At three and three-quarters year of age, the child appears to be a friendly, expressive, outgoing child."
Journal of Developmental and Behavioural Pediatrics (1991) : "Extinction is an effective, reasonably rapid, and durable treatment for infant sleep disturbance [three citations]…mothers became less anxious as the study proceeded… [the data show that extinction] is consistent with previous reports on improvements in parental self-esteem, depression, marital satisfaction, and sense of control following extinction-based treatments of sleep disturbances [cites two additional supporting studies]. Some have argued, sometimes forcefully, against the use of extinction procedures with infants, on the grounds that such procedures will damage the infant-caregiver (mother) bond and impair the infants sense of security. A measure of infant security was explicitly included in this study to test this hypothesis, and again, the results are clear. Infant security improved significantly over the course of the study…we can reject the hypothesis that exposure to extinction…will impair security."
Journal of Pediatric Psychology (1992): "Measured and compared the behaviour characteristics and security scores of infants (6-24 months) treated with extinction for sleep disturbance.. There was no evidence of detrimental effects on the treated infants whose security, emotionality/tension, and likeability scores improved."
Journal of the American Academy of child and adolescent psychiatry (1994): Sleep training improved daytime mother and infant interactions.
Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health (1998): "Cold turkey extinctions [and other methods improved] problematic childhood sleep behavior [and] is associated with significant improvement in maternal mood. It is likely significant numbers of mothers diagnosed as having postnatal depression are suffering the effect of chronic sleep deprivation'
Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology (1999): "Both [extinction and graduated extinction] treatments improved bedtime and nighttime sleep problems and only positive side effects were associated with both treatments. Graduated extinction was easier to implement."
Gunnar, M.R. and B. Donzella. Social regulation of the cortisol levels in early human development. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 27(1-2): p. 199-220. 2002.
Jansen, J., R. Beijers, M. Riksen-Walraven, and C. de Weerth. Cortisol reactivity in young infants. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 35(3): p. 329-38. 2010
Middlemiss, W., D.A. Granger, W.A. Goldberg, and L. Nathans. Asynchrony of mother-infant hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis activity following extinction of infant crying responses induced during the transition to sleep. Early Hum Dev. 88(4): p. 227-32. 2012.
A CIO study which showed no increase in cortisol between the pre-bed time sample and the CIO sample.
Ahnert, L., M.R. Gunnar, M.E. Lamb, and M. Barthel. Transition to child care: associations with infant-mother attachment, infant negative emotion, and cortisol elevations. Child Dev. 75(3): p. 639-50. 2004.
Karraker, K.H. and M. Young. Night Waking in 6-Month-Old Infants and Maternal Depressive Symptoms. J Appl Dev Psychol. 28(5-6): p. 493-498. 2007.
Despite these widespread claims of negative outcomes for babies who are sleep trained, there is no real evidence to back it up. As some researchers have pointed out, the only evidence that crying can be detrimental to infant development comes from studies on long term abuse and neglect; none of these studies look at the effect of brief periods of crying in an otherwise loving family. Sleep training generally doesn’t involve sustained crying for long periods of time—only brief and controlled periods of crying that usually doesn’t last more than a few days.
One recent study looked at children who had been sleep trained as babies five years later to see if there was anything different about these now 6-year-olds when compared to 6-year-olds that weren’t sleep trained as infants. The study found that there were absolutely no differences between these kids: Sleep trained kids were no more likely to have emotional problems, sleep problems, or attachment issues than kids that weren’t sleep trained as babies. In fact, there was nothing positive or negative about sleep training in the long-term, and kids were all sleeping well at age six whether they were sleep trained or not. This study suggests that there aren’t any negative long-term effects of sleep training, and that there aren’t any positive ones either. That means whether you choose to sleep train or not, your baby will probably be fine and eventually sleep through the night.
Despite there being no evidence of negative consequences of sleep training, there’s a lot of evidence that there are serious long-term negative consequences of sleep deprivation, including depression, inattentiveness, and marital problems.
Price, A.M.,M Wake, et al (2012) “Five-Year Follow-up of Harms and Benefits of Behavioural Infant Sleep Intervention: Randomized Trial” Pediatrics. Published online September 10, 2012.
Hiscock, H. J. K. Bayer, et al (2008) “Long-term mother and child mental health effects of a population-based infant sleep intervention: Cluster-randomized, controlled trail” Pediatrics 122 (3) e621-627.
Hiscock, H, J. K. Bayer, et al (2007). “importing infant sleep and maternal mental health: a cluster randomized trial” Arch Dis Child 92 (11): 952-958.
http://scienceofmom.com/2012/03/30/helping-babies-cope-with-stress-and-learn-to-sleep/
The following references all show the benefits of great sleep!
1Tarullo, A.R., P.D. Balsam, and W.P. Fifer. Sleep and Infant Learning. Infant Child Dev. 20(1): p. 35-46. 2011.
Scher, A. Infant sleep at 10 months of age as a window to cognitive development. Early Hum Dev. 81(3): p. 289-92. 2005.
Gomez, R.L., R.R. Bootzin, and L. Nadel. Naps promote abstraction in language- learning infants. Psychol Sci. 17(8): p. 670-4. 2006.
Hupbach, A., R.L. Gomez, R.R. Bootzin, and L. Nadel. Nap-dependent learning in infants. Dev Sci. 12(6): p. 1007-12. 2009.
Ross, C.N. and K.H. Karraker. Effects of fatigue on infant emotional reactivity and regulation. Infant Mental Health Journal. 20(4): p. 410-428. 1999.
Mindell, J.A., B. Kuhn, D.S. Lewin, L.J. Meltzer, and A. Sadeh. Behavioral treatment of bedtime problems and night wakings in infants and young children. Sleep. 29(10): p. 1263-76. 2006.
Tikotzky, L., D.E.M. G, J. Har-Toov, S. Dollberg, Y. Bar-Haim, and A. Sadeh. Sleep and physical growth in infants during the first 6 months. J Sleep Res. 19(1 Pt 1): p. 103-10. 2010.
Taveras, E.M., S.L. Rifas-Shiman, E. Oken, E.P. Gunderson, and M.W. Gillman. Short sleep duration in infancy and risk of childhood overweight. Arch Pediatr Adolesc Med. 162(4): p. 305-11. 2008.
Wake, M., E. Morton-Allen, Z. Poulakis, H. Hiscock, S. Gallagher, and F. Oberklaid. Prevalence, stability, and outcomes of cry-fuss and sleep problems in the first 2 years of life: prospective community-based study. Pediatrics. 117(3): p. 836-42. 2006.
Martin, J., H. Hiscock, P. Hardy, B. Davey, and M. Wake. Adverse associations of infant and child sleep problems and parent health: an Australian population study. Pediatrics. 119(5): p. 947-55. 2007.
Bayer, J.K., H. Hiscock, A. Hampton, and M. Wake. Sleep problems in young infants and maternal mental and physical health. J Paediatr Child Health. 43(1-2): p. 66-73. 2007.
Hiscock, H., J. Bayer, L. Gold, A. Hampton, O.C. Ukoumunne, and M. Wake. Improving infant sleep and maternal mental health: a cluster randomised trial. Arch Dis Child. 92(11): p. 952-8. 2007.
Hiscock, H. and M. Wake. Randomised controlled trial of behavioural infant sleep intervention to improve infant sleep and maternal mood. BMJ. 324(7345): p. 1062-5. 2002.
Martins, C. and E.A. Gaffan. Effects of early maternal depression on patterns of infant-mother attachment: a meta-analytic investigation. J Child Psychol Psychiatry. 41(6): p. 737-46. 2000.
Murray, L. and P. Cooper. Effects of postnatal depression on infant development. Arch Dis Child. 77(2): p. 99-101. 1997.
Essex, M.J., M.H. Klein, E. Cho, and N.H. Kalin. Maternal stress beginning in infancy may sensitize children to later stress exposure: effects on cortisol and behavior. Biol Psychiatry. 52(8): p. 776-84. 2002.
Murray, L., A. Arteche, P. Fearon, S. Halligan, I. Goodyer, and P. Cooper. Maternal postnatal depression and the development of depression in offspring up to 16 years of age. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 50(5): p. 460-70. 2011.
Connor, J., R. Norton, S. Ameratunga, E. Robinson, I. Civil, R. Dunn, J. Bailey, and R. Jackson. Driver sleepiness and risk of serious injury to car occupants: population based case control study. BMJ. 324(7346): p. 1125. 2002.
Study against sleep training
[1] Middlemiss W, Granger DA, Goldberg WA, Nathans L. Asynchrony of mother-infant hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis activity following extinction of infant crying responses induced during the transition to sleep. Early Human Development 2012; 88: 227-32.
This study was done on 25 infants and mothers. In a hospital setting. https://expectingscience.com/2016/04/21/the-middlemiss-study-tells-us-nothing-about-sleep-training-cry-it-out-or-infant-stress/
