Is your little one clingy?
Cries when you leave the room?
attached to one parent or caregiver?
scream crying at bedtime when you put them in their crib?
or waking up and crying hard when you leave?
Separation Anxiety happens, and it's often not fun, but I can assure you it's a normal part of your baby's development. It's an incredible milestone in their development actually!
If it seems more stressful than anything, I GET IT! Lot's more tears and separating can be hard. Often we see this when a big transition takes place…ahem ahem..starting daycare after/during a global pandemic?!
Yup that'll do it!
Although it's a normal phase of emotional development, it can be challenging. Especially when it comes to sleep. Let me help you through it.
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation Anxiety is essentially the development of the understanding of object permanence.
Meaning they just now realize that once you leave the room, even though you are out of sight, you can return. Children also start to recognize one adult from another, knowing who mom & dad are, not wanting them to leave and crying, so they return. Before this, newborns and young children don't really differentiate who's leaving, and once they are out of sight, they are gone. Try playing peek a boo with a young baby, which is why they are surprised every time!
As your little one gets older and hits 8 months, 10 months, 12-18 months, they start to understand that they can affect when you come back. They still don't understand the concept of time and that you will always come back. They know you are gone but still there and able to return.
It's a significant milestone because it demonstrates that your baby has formed a loving, healthy attachment to you and feels cared for and loved by your presence!
As they grow intellectually, they realize that they are safe and taken care of by you, so obviously don't want you to go (it's also a survival mechanism).
When it comes to Separation Anxiety know that it's just a transition phase. Once your child understands that mom or dad leave but will always come back and get used to new circumstances, they become more confident and better able to adapt.
When does it happen?
Separation Anxiety usually happens as your little one gets older and hits critical milestones, but it's different for every child.
It can start at 8 months, 12 months, 15-18 months, and then 2 yrs.
It can also be triggered by new transitions like daycare, sleep training, a move, or a sibling's arrival.
Tips to help your child during Separation Anxiety:
Helping our children understand that even though we leave the room, we will always come back for them is key. We want them to feel secure that even though we are gone, we will come back, and this is learned through experiencing it, but you can communicate this as well.
Tip 1: Dedicate one-on-one time. Giving your little one some undivided attention and dedicated one-on-one time before bedtime can help fill their bucket and allow them to feel your love and attention before saying goodnight. If they are old enough, talk to them about what they can expect and let them know that you will come to get them in the morning. With any situation, if they know what to expect, and you are consistently fulfilling that expectation (doing what you say), they will adjust easier.
Tip 2: Establish a consistent and predictable bedtime routine. A goodbye routine is also great for daycare. Repetition provides security and predictability. When a baby/toddler knows what to expect, they feel secure that their circumstances will not change and that they are safe. Keeping bedtime the same each night will help your little one not be afraid of what's to come as they will learn that after this happens, they can expect this. This is the best way to communicate with our children by modeling and repeating, so they transition easier. As humans, we are afraid of the unknown.
Tip 3: Offer a comfort item. This transitional object can be personal and home that can help them feel that connection to their mom or dad.
Does your little one have a stuffed friend or blanket they love? If it's age-appropriate and safe, then allow them to hold on to that to provide that familiarity and comfort while they are away from you.
Tip 4: Don't ever sneak away. It probably seems like the most comfortable option, but it's probably going to worsen separation anxiety. If you're suddenly disappearing the minute your child turns their head or gets drowsy, this confirms their fears that mom/dad will leave and not come back. Instead, ALWAYS say goodbye and then go confidently.
Tip 5: To help your child adjust to the transition, practice, practice, practice! Play lots of games that involve you leaving and then coming back. Peek-a-boo or hide and seek. Also, practice leaving them for short periods, say goodbye, and come back 5 minutes later, then lengthen that time. If your little one is mama obsessed, have dad do bedtime or grandma/grandpa come and babysit for a short time. This is to get them used to being with another caregiver and experiencing their mom/dad returning. Remember, kids learn through experience and repetition.
Tip 6: Don't come back into the room ten times and don't drag it out. I know it's hard. Hearing your little one cry out for you is heartbreaking. I feel you. But if you are coming back ten times to just leave again, you are only prolonging the heartbreak for both of you. Make a decision, say goodbye, and come back at your scheduled time or check on your little one periodically. The key here is to let them know when you'll be back and be SUPER consistent in following through. Doing this makes the learning process a lot faster and painless in the long term for all family members.
Tip 7: If you are stressed, they will feel that! Anxiety is contagious. Try to control your emotions and stay positive. Like you are sure that everything will be okay because it WILL!
If you cry or show anxiety, you are just confirming that this is a scary thing. So be confident, if you need to leave the room for a few minutes to compose yourself, go for it. You need to be confident, almost like you know you are coming back in the morning (like you are!).
Just provide that reassurance that they need to feel less anxious. SMILE! Change is good!
Babies can sense hesitation and stress and that energy will worsen anxiety. When you are leaving you need to confidently leave.
I know how rough separation anxiety can be, so remember, it's not forever, and your child hasn't forgotten how to sleep! Find a balance that works for you and come up with a game plan!
If you want support to get you through it, reach out to me! I can assure you we can get your baby sleeping even through separation anxiety.
