What are some commonly held beliefs you hold on to about sleep?
No matter what I try I can’t get my baby to sleep!
I’ve tried everything and can’t put my little one to sleep.
I’m so frustrated, my baby just won't sleep.
This won’t work for my baby he’s just too stubborn
My baby refuses to nap
These are just some of the phrases I hear when I work with tired parents. I don’t blame them for feeling this way, it’s frustrating and sleep deprivation enhances that frustration ten fold!
So this is the first thing I address when we start working on sleep. I help shift the mindset and understanding around commonly held beliefs and expectations parents have around sleep, helping to identify them and understand where they stem from. Because we have to be easy on ourselves, and our mind doesn’t always help with that, in fact it often hinders.
I give moms permission to not feel solely responsible for how their baby sleeps.
Yes, it’s not your fault and nothing you have done causes it.
How can you be responsible for something you are not in complete control of?
Let’s unpack this belief: It is my job to get my child to sleep.
I’m going to tell you right now that it’s not your responsibility.
Shocking, I know since my whole job revolves around baby sleeping.
Here is what that belief tells us: We are not good parents if our child doesn’t sleep. This is a belief and not a fact.
Beliefs control our thoughts and we deem them as true but that doesn’t make them so. They are shaped by our past experiences and what we continually tell ourselves. They may seem true. They aren’t.
The frustration and guilt is simply not necessary.
So what is our responsibility? Just like we cannot stop a baby from crying, we cannot force sleep on them.
All we can do is control what is within our control.
We can provide the best environment, make it safe and conducive to sleep.
Make sure they are fed, the temperature is right, it’s dark and they have a nice relaxing wind down.
We can provide a predictable routine and establish some good sleep habits.
We can respond the same way so they know exactly what to expect and are not confused by a different response each time.
We can support our child in falling asleep, give them opportunities to practice this new skill (learning a new skill takes lots of repetition and practice) and set them up for success but we can’t jump in and do this for them. This is something they will need to learn on their own, like any skill in life.
Going from awake to sleepy to asleep is not easy to master. Remember how hard it is for us to take a nap at the wrong time of the day, we lay there and it might take 20 minutes for us to fall asleep. Even us adults can’t always sleep in non-ideal environments and even so, it still takes us time. The only way to master that is with practice. We also can’t control the outcome and take responsibility for it. We must be patient with our babies and take all the sense of responsibility off of our shoulders.
When we do this, we remove the stress and frustration. This alone can change everything! We easily transfer these feelings and nervous energy and they can sense it.
This doesn’t mean that we stop working on sleep, quite the opposite, sleep is a basic need and we all need sleep to survive and develop but it’s also a skill and when our babies are newborns, yes they will need lots of assistance. As they get older however, we do all the things that will make them successful and then just support and guide them. Our role changes as they mature.
We gradually reduce our involvement and believe that they CAN do it on their own (another mindset shift), they got this. Because if we don’t provide opportunities for them to practice, well, then how can we ever expect them to ever master it? We can’t expect our baby to learn new skills if we are always jumping in and doing it for them. We can assist and then consciously and gradually remove that assistance.
We can support emotionally and even physically but not by putting them to sleep but by acknowledging that they are frustrated and calming them so that they can easily put themselves to sleep.
On our end, it takes patience and repetition. We need to give ourselves some grace too. Remove the burden of having to spend hours putting your baby to sleep.
We can only support them in learning, provide the best conditions and respond consistently. The rest is up to them!
They will surprise you in how quickly they learn and you’ll realize that all of the effort and hours you spent actively trying to put them to sleep and feeling shitty when they didn’t sleep, was frustration stemming from this belief that your success as a parent is predicated on how your baby sleeps.
I promise, if you give them a chance they will take that those opportunities and develop into great little independent sleepers. Don’t worry mama, they will still need you, but a well rested you.
If you need a step by step plan on how to work on creating a great sleeper, set up a free call with me. I can help guide you through it all and set YOU up for success because just like you, I can’t show you how to GET your child to sleep. BUT I CAN support you as you set the stage for your child to fall asleep on their own.
The number indicator of whether you will achieve success in improving sleep is letting go of the idea and pressure that you NEED to put your baby to sleep every time and if they don’t sleep you’ve failed. Sleep will come. It takes “learning time”, a positive mindset and a belief that if you give them a chance they can do it on their own.
