This is a very difficult topic for me and one that still brings up lots of feelings of guilt, shame and lots of tears (I’m not even entirely sure why). In fact, I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I write this blog.

I’m a mom of two beautifully healthy babies, and I’m so grateful for that. I count my blessings everyday. I, like many moms however, have carried around many doubts and guilt around my motherhood journey. For me it’s mostly around breastfeeding.

I work with many mamas in what I describe as my “dream” job, helping families sleep and establish healthy sleep habits for all. I support mamas who are struggling with sleep, sleep deprivation and need some relief. There is nothing wrong with needing help with something so “natural” as sleep. Babies are not born knowing how to sleep, they need to be set up for success as their biological clocks, sleep cycles, ability to soothe develops over time. I coach parents on how to best do that in an age appropriate way. Taking all factors into consideration and building customized plans specific to your family. Then coaching parent’s through it and getting them to the other side and feeling rested again.

Because of the nature of my work I’m exposed to ALOT of opinions about the “natural” expectations of what a mother should be. It’s all “Instinctual”, “natural”…Well let me tell you breastfeeding was none of those things for me.

And according to these opinions, this will end in a lack of “attachment” or bond with my babies (lies). Fear mongering at its best. But let me tell you that no one should dictate what you should do. What you decide for your kids as a mother is no one’s business, either way. .

When I was pregnant the wave of “breast is best” hit me hard, I expected to breastfeed of course, because I wanted what was best for my baby. The hospital pre-natal classes pushed only breastfeeding. Hospitals across the province are pushing to be certified as “baby friendly initiatives” which means hospitals must not accept free or low cost breast milk substitutes (formula), bottles or soothers. Nipple shields also not recommended, you had to bring your own in..I didn’t even know what a nipple shield was until a friend suggested it. Only breastfeeding was acceptable and you couldn’t find formula anywhere nearby, unless you snuck it in. At least at the hospital I was at.

At 11:39am on December 16th, I gave “birth” via c-section to a healthy baby boy, 2 weeks late and bigger than the doctors expected.

He weighed 8 lbs 11 ounces and had some beautiful rolls. I immediately put him on me to have skin to skin and tried to breastfeed. As per my birth plan. Nothing happened, I tried desperately for the next few days. NADA. I did not sleep for 48 hours and saw multiple lactation consultants. At the end of my time in the hospital, I was given a syringe and told to just feed him colostrum that I hand expressed, his stomach was tiny and he would latch and drink eventually, when my milk came in. It looked like he was getting there and I went home hoping for the best and not really knowing what to do. I was a first time parent and so very confused by it all. I was also sleep deprived going on day 3 of a 24 hour breastfeeding marathon which ended up in both baby and I crying our eyes out for hours on hours.

The first night at home was a nightmare, my baby cried literally all night. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong, Isn’t this stuff “instinctual”!! I was giving him the colostrum like they had told me, I was breastfeeding side lying for hours...

In the early morning I just felt that something was wrong. I felt my baby’s neck and head and he seemed warm. We took his temperature and he was 38 degrees celsius. We called Telehealth and they advised we take him to the hospital.

At the hospital they confirmed that at 3 days old, he was running a fever. We spent hours and many pricks and bloody (literally) tries later trying to find a vein on his tiny arms (the vision of this still haunts me), they also did a spinal tab to be safe. He was admitted for severe dehydration. A nurse had to go out and buy formula at a nearby grocery store and bring it in for us.

It was my worst nightmare. It still is. My healthy chubby baby has lost over 14% of his birth weight and was admitted for 5 days. They pumped him with fluids and we began to give him formula. The fact that my baby had been starving, made me feel that I had failed as a new mother.

When we left the hospital, I was still adamant on pumping but we did both formula and breastmilk. I suffered from several bouts of mastitis, one hospital stay, a lip tie and tongue tie cutting experience which was bloody and traumatic, and I ended up pumping for 8 months religiously. My baby grew into his rolls again and was thankfully healthy, because of the formula and pumped breastmilk that brought him back to us. My mental health, not so much.

Let me tell you that the impact of this experience left me with lots of lingering feelings, so much so that when my daughter was born 22 months later, I had developed a severe trauma with breastfeeding that I would immediately begin to sweat and feel anxious at the thought. For the wellbeing of our entire family, we decided to formula feed her from the beginning. This was the best decision we could have made but one that still, after all we had been through, I still felt incredible guilt around. I remember being in a mall nursing room bottle feeding my daughter a few short weeks after she was born, and just crying my eyes out that I wasn’t able to nurse her. the “natural” way, like all the other moms in that room. I left that nursing room in tears.

I realize now that the expectations to breastfeed affected me deeply. but it could have cost me my baby’s life. These expectations were unrealistic for me and now looking back I wish someone had told me how difficult it can be for some women and that it was OKAY to feed my baby in any way possible. That validation never came for me and although I see my healthy happy daughter thriving and growing beautifully on formula, that mom guilt still creeps up now and again.

I work with both moms that breastfeed (good on you!) and those that don’t (equally good on you!). We build a feeding plan into every sleep plan and I help support them on their individual feeding journey. I never judge or expect a mom to be able to breastfeed because it’s not easy and it doesn’t always feel NATURAL.

Some mamas can’t breastfeed and might not produce enough milk, some for their mental health choose not to and some choose to breastfeed. I will be the first to tell you that no matter what, what’s important is that your baby is FED and gaining weight. No matter what.

Please mamas let’s not judge and shame moms either way. Let’s not tell moms that if they don’t breastfeed they won’t bond with their babies. You bond with your baby because you are their mother and I don’t know one loving mother that doesn’t cuddle their baby and shower them with love. That is ALL that you need to bond. to love. Just love that baby and love yourself as a mom. I still have my days, but formula was hands down the best thing I could have done for my babies and the health of my family. and that’s the most “natural” thing we can do, follow our gut.

No way is BETTER, we all mother differently. Let’s accept that and support each other.