Does crying trigger you and increase your stress levels?
If your answer is yes! “I can’t stand to hear my baby cry” - then congratulations you are human! As moms we are programmed to have an emotional and physiological response to crying. We are designed to respond to signs of danger, as to our ancestors that meant protecting their lives. Our bodies respond to cries with an increase in heart rate and blood pressure but we are no longer facing the same dangers and our response now MATTERS.
We now have the advantage of being able to respond vs. react and to really understand what is happening before creating a stressful situation for your baby and yourself, that can keep you all from sleeping at night. We need to assess what is more harmful and sleep deprivation is certainly at the top of the list.
So what are some reasons that babies cry at bedtime?
Because crying is their only form of communication, it can mean many things. Yes, babies can cry if they are in distress but they can also cry if they are overtired, undertired, have an unpredictable routine, separation anxiety (developmental), overstimulated, hungry, full, sick, frustrated, tired, soothing, fomo…and pretty much anything.
The truth is that crying is not always bad, it’s actually quite normal and healthy behaviour. Although there is a lot evidence showing that prolonged crying has no adverse affects (babies with colic cry for hours at a time for days, weeks and months). I get that it’s not pleasant for parents and we try to mitigate it as much as we can.
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So what can we do about it?
While we can’t prevent crying altogether, we CAN look and understand all of the factors that may cause more crying and address those. To give our babies the best possible chance to get to sleep easier.
Here is a checklist of what to look out for:
Hunger - Make sure to include a feed for babies, bedtime snack for toddlers at least 30-60 minutes before bed.
Schedule - Make sure your little one is on an age appropriate schedule -get some free schedules here. We want to ensure they are not overtired, which will cause fussiness and crying (they are crying because they are so tired and it’s uncomfortable-we’ve all felt that). We also want to make sure they are not undertired and crying because they are bored or not tired enough.
Unpredictable routine with no time for wind down - It is impossible for any human to go from wide awake to asleep without winding down, this includes babies.
Separation anxiety (developmental/new skill development)- Our babies brains are developing rapidly and that in itself can cause them to cry more. They may be practicing new skills and getting stuck or transitioning into new milestones characterised by separation anxiety. This is all normal and expected.
Overstimulation - This is common in newborns when there is just too much stimuli flooding their little brains. Less is more with babies and frantically trying to stop crying only causes the opposite, increase stress and more crying.
Sick - If your little one is sick they will cry because just like all of us, being sick causes discomfort. Get them checked out and treat the illness to help them feel more comfortable.
Frustrated - If you are teaching your baby a new skill or making a change, its unfair to expect that they won’t be frustrated with having to learn something brand new. Instead, of stoping them from working through the frustration, comfort them through it.
Soothing-Depending on your babies temperament, many babies soothe with voice. Humming, signing, fussing, grunting these can all be ways that some babies find comfort and fall asleep. It’s important to really understand what your baby’s cries mean and the best way to respond to them.
FOMO - Your baby might simply not want to go to bed or want playtime to be over. It’s normal for babies to cry when transitioning into a new activity.
What if my baby is crying during the bedtime routine?
Your baby knows it’s bedtime and that’s a good thing! The cues you are giving are working but there is hysterical crying as soon as you start the bedtime routine or during parts of it.
This is very common and here are some things you can do to help:
Make sure lights are dim and we are providing a relaxing environment so your baby is not getting overstimulated.
Change up the routine, remove the parts they are not enjoying or includes a little bit of cuddle time to help calm them.
Move your bedtime routine up if your baby is getting overtired.
Move your bedtime routine into the room where they will sleep and make sure to play in the room during the day so it become a familiar and calm environment (use only a red light if needed).
Include a quiet activity they like to calm them.
Feed in a different room so they are not upset that you are not helping them to sleep with feeding.
Keep all bedtime activities calm and relaxing.
In the end crying is a normal part of being human and expressing emotions. We certainly feel all the same emotions as adults and it would be odd if someone tried to stop us from crying instead of comforting and helping us through them. Crying is a healthy way of letting out and working through stress.
Our responsibility as parents is to help them navigate these emotions and not shutting them down because they are uncomfortable for us. Comfort, cuddles, soft words, touch are all okay during sleep training as our job is to be their coach.
Instead of reacting to it, slow down and respond accordingly and you will find that your response will teach them they are safe, despite feeling emotions about it. If you need a plan and support and want to find a way to best support your baby while helping them learn to sleep independently, reach out and book a call.
I’m here to help you.
Your Pediatric Sleep Consultant
Lily
