Our parents are awesome! They kept us alive, put up with our moody adolescence and taught us all sorts of great things. And now they get the fun part - to be grandparents!
Sometimes, the job description for grandparents seems to be to break every rule that we parents have put in place. Want to stay up late? No bedtime at Nana's! Forget self-soothing, Granny will rock your little one back to sleep.
We worked hard to instill good sleep habits, so it can be so frustrating and infuriating to watch someone come in and completely ignore it. Not only that, trying to talk about it can make us feel defensive and put us on edge.
When your parents or inlaws have different expectations, what can we do?
Remember Your Why
https://www.lilbabysleep.ca/freeschedules
Remember why you needed to set a sleep schedule and put those sleep strategies in place. Remember what it felt like to be waking up every couple of hours? To have a baby that would not sleep unless you were rocking her?
Communicate that. Grandparents have not had a baby in a long time and they may have forgotten how hard it is, or may have had a completely different experience. As well, they may not have realized what a lack of sleep was doing to you and your mental health.
Explaining the challenge that you had and where you are today will show that you have reasons for what you're doing. You're not a "mean mom" for offering a nap. You're an awesome mom who wants a well-rested baby and to get some sleep yourself! (to be an even more awesome mom!)
Especially if grandparents are helping out with regular childcare, the best thing that you can do is clearly communicate your expectations and the reasons behind them. (In fact, you can even send them some of our blogs dealing with the science of sleep and how being well-rested helps your baby!)
Acknowledge Them
Even if it's TERRIBLE advice ("just let your baby sleep on their belly"), acknowledge that they are giving you advice because they love you and they love their grandchild.
They want to help and are relying on what they know. Even if that is coming from an outdated place, or is irritating, it's well-meaning. Take a breath and remember that.
Then, acknowledge that. One phrase that I recommend: "I know you want to help! Here's how you can..." Then you're giving them the space to be awesome grandparents but in a way that works for you!
Choose Your Battles
If you're in for a short visit, it's fine to smile and nod, and then do whatever you want. It's your baby and you are confident that your choices are what's best for them.
However, it's also really important to remember that it's okay to be flexible. If bedtime is at 7:00, going to bed at 8:00 one night is not going to topple the whole system.
For the sake of keeping the peace, it's fine to bend the rules sometimes. I always recommend an 80-20 rule. If you're keeping a schedule 80% of the time and sticking to it, your baby will be well-rested enough to bounce back the other 20% of the time.
Don’t mess with Safety
Let’s be real, a lot has changed since our parents had kids. Mostly because we know better now and research has improved.
We no longer allow babies to be in a car without a car seat or on someone's lap.
Not safe.
We no longer put babies on their tummies to sleep. Research has proven that this increases the risk of SIDS significantly.
Not safe.
We no longer add cereal to a baby’s bottle to help them “sleep longer”. This has proven to not be true and a choking/aspiration risk.
Not safe.
Just because we survived doesn't mean we should continue doing things that are potentially dangerous.
Research, science, our lifestyles they all grow and change. We need to communicate boundaries around safety because, in the end, our child’s safety is not worth the risk. If you explain it this way most grandparents will understand.
In the end, we know our parents want only the best for their grandchildren but they are no longer in the driver's seat and that can be hard. Acknowledging this and being flexible is important. Sleep is also important. So finding a balance through communication is going to get you a lot more quality time together and help them enjoy their grandkids to the fullest!
We want our kids sleeping BEFORE they go to their grandparents, so do that work at home first and then send them nice and rested!
Reach out to book a call and chat about getting your little one sleeping well first!
