What is self care anyway? When people say that to me, I just think of being able to take a shower alone. Or having a tea that’s not cold…
I’ve done some research on “self-care” and basically it’s what YOU want it to be. Easy as that! At least that’s what it means for me.
It’s really whatever YOU need, to be your best self. Whatever that means for you. Whether that be sleep, a shower, time alone, a hot drink, a night out with friends..the possibilities are endless!
Here’s the thing, self-care almost always comes with one little uninvited guest. MOM GUILT.
Why do we feel so guilty putting ourselves first? I struggle with this a lot and hope you can relate. I find that’s also the case when it comes to sleep. That sleeping is not something mom’s get the privilege of getting. WHY!? Sleep is a need, for our health and for the health of our baby. Don’t get me wrong cuddling and physical contact is also important, I make time for that always. It’s called BALANCE. But our bodies need sleep, night time is a time for sleep. It’s a time to re-energize, rest our bodies and minds and for your baby this is crucial for development. Give yourself permission to do that, give your baby permission to learn the skills to do that. You CAN have both.
So as you can guess, that is my first step to including self-care into your busy life.
1) Sleep. Prioritize it. There are hundreds of studies on the importance on sleep not only for babies but for parents. (there are so many that I can’t list them all here, but connect with me for a list). Mom’s are more prone to post pardon depression and anxiety when sleep deprived. In fact, mothers who are chronically sleep deprived are likely to suffer from depression, anxiety and psychosis. Research suggests that lack of sleep can cause anxiety, even just one night. Your mental health is important and affects your baby and family more than you think.
If you don’t know how to start, here is a free resource that might help. No matter what age or stage your baby is at, you can always start setting up the foundation for great sleep. Ask me how to do that in an age appropriate way.
2) Become part of a community. This takes a lot of guts (and energy). For new moms this can be scary, how do I get myself out of the house? How do I interact with people? (this is real when you’re surrounded by baby 24/7), It seems like too much work (baby spit up on me three times and pooped twice before I could even step out of the house). How will others perceive me? That is too overwhelming.
It is overwhelming. If you’re an introvert this is extremely overwhelming. Do what you are comfortable with but reach out to those in your same situation. Those that can relate. You are definitely not alone. Chat with other moms, or even just join a great mom community and creep it for a while. When you feel comfortable, then post a comment, question or even challenge yourself to go to a playdate. Even if it’s a community of two moms, get yourself out there. Women are much nicer than we think (focus on the good ones, there are many). Look for the best community for you.
Find a mom tribe of supportive women. It’s funny how fast you’ll bond over the best baby equipment, how you all pick your child’s nose or take things out of your hair whose origin is unclear (done it).
I found a mom tribe for both my kids and I’m so glad I did. It wasn’t easy. I suffered from Post Pardum Anxiety with my first and remember committing to a mama walk in the park several times before I even got the courage or energy to get outside. At that walk I met my first mama tribe and women that I am so privileged to call my friends. The second time around I felt seasoned but I was still nervous. Again, I’ve met the most supportive and incredible women around. Four of these women I will be travelling overseas with this week for a mamas only getaway (yup, that’s right. NO babies!).
Whether it be a small or large community, reach out. You might realize that your fears and anxieties are also other mother’s fears and anxieties. And a lot can come out of sharing these experiences with others. You might just make life long bff’s and so will your babies!
3) Do less. We as women always feel like we should do more and there is a very real expectation that mother’s must multi task. Keep your house spotless, cook dinner, hold your baby all the time, take your toddler to outings every weekend…the list is endless and on top of that after a year (or less), do all that PLUS work.
I strongly believe that we have to give ourselves permission to do less. Say no. Protect your time. Protect your rest. And if that ugly mom guilt creeps up, you remind yourself that in order for baby to be okay, I have to be okay.
I have learned that the key to this is asking for what you need. For example, this year for mothers day I asked for what I wanted. and it was selfish! I want a whole day by myself. I want to get a spa treatment and I want to read. That’s it. No unfulfilled expectations, no guessing what I want. I said it. You will surprised how this actually happens! and if you ask and you don’t receive, well then you have likely asked the wrong person. So try again with someone else. If my partner can’t fulfill this then I shall ask my in-laws, my sister, my mother to watch the kids, so this can get done. I’m relentless, because prioritizing ourselves is not bad. You deserve it.
The key to achieving all three of these is SUPPORT. Whether this be physical support, emotional support or a coach like myself cheering you along. Many mamas don’t have a lot of family support and that’s where your mama community will come in. I’ve found mom friends are always the first to offer a helping hand, because they understand. Don’t feel bad taking it.
In the end to live a good life, it’s not about staying busy but staying present. Do what you have to do to stay present. Present filled experiences is what you will remember in the end and nothing should take away from that.
My mama community: Mamas&Minis
Lil xx
