When I talk to toddler moms I don’t know whether to give them a hug, a Tylenol or a coffee. My impulse is all three.
I AM a toddler mom and WOW toddlers are challenging at times. They can switch so fast between emotional explosion because you cut up their banana, on a day that they decide that they wanted to eat it whole. AND so darn cute the very next second as they eat said banana, singing their favourite song at the top of their lungs. It’s an emotional, physical and mental rollercoaster, and it’s exhausting! It’s exhausting for both parents AND toddlers and the truth is, BOTH need adequate sleep to rise to these developmental progressions. Plus they’re so peaceful and adorable when sleeping..said EVERY PARENT on the planet..!
I want to share with you how I approach toddler sleep. The reality is that it can’t be the same as how we approach baby sleep, we need to adapt to developmental, physical and psychological changes and work within new realities. Of course along with this we need to take into consideration that our toddlers are little humans, with personalities, needs and wants. Each child is different and communicates differently so we have to work within that scope.
This is exactly where I can best help mamas (and papas), in figuring out how to apply these tips and information and come up with a plan that works for your particular child and family. Having said this, I will attempt to provide you with some general guidelines for working with toddlers, as there are some things that are common for this age group. Please take what works for you and what you feel you can apply (no one knows your children better than YOU). My intention is not to impose any type of parenting philosophy, only to provide information for parents that might help with sleep.
How is my sleep foundation?
When working with toddlers (ages 18 months-5 years) I generally use a three pronged approach. Before I get into these three strategies and before implementing any kind of approach, please ask yourself this question, How is my sleep foundation? What I mean by this is how consistent have you been at applying good sleep habits?
Go through your checklist: Have I provided a great sleep environment? Do we have an established wind down routine for bed times? Am I following age-appropriate wake windows? How are my naps? How is my child’s nutrition? You want to check off all these boxes before starting to work on actual sleep behaviour. If you don’t have each of these in place, it’s not fair to ask a toddler to learn to sleep in less than ideal conditions or stay asleep if their little bodies are overtired or if they’re hungry.
Once you are sure that all needs have been met, they are not sick and you are offering optimal conditions for sleep, we can look at applying techniques that will get them to 1) love their beds 2) stay in their beds all night.
How to Get Toddlers to Sleep In Their Own Bed
For this to happen you have to:
1) get your toddler on side - toddlers now understand when you explain something to them (and as many parents know, some are VERY good at negotiation). The key here is COMMUNICATION. Talk to your toddler, tell them what’s going to happen so that they know what to expect. Be clear on communicating with them what bedtime is going to look like and the expectations. A few tools that help prepare children for sleeping in their beds are what are called the 3 R’s
Rules - write down the bedtime rules, make it an art project. Get your child involved in painting it and go through the bedtime rules together. Then post them on the wall of their room where it is visible. Go over them each night. In our house, my son can tell you the rules, they are simple and they are positive -what TO DO vs Don’t do this (all they will hear is the this) 1) stay in bed 2) close your eyes 3) stay quiet as a mouse, all until 7am (he doesn’t know when 7am is but he does know that mommy will come to get him in the morning, with lots of smiles and praise. That’s it. We avoid “go to sleep” because he’s two and a half and doesn’t really understand the concept yet. We also have a sleep book, put together a simple picture book (toddlers LOVE to look at picture of themselves and their families). We took pictures of our bedtime routine ie. P eats his dinner (picture), P takes a bath (picture), P reads a book (picture), P sleeps in his bed all night (picture). You get the idea, we read this every night along with the bedtime rules. The expectations are clear and understood.
Role Play - If your child has a favourite stuffed toy in our case it’s a bunny (or many bunnies..). We put the bunny to sleep and explain the rules to the bunny. Bunny will get a sticker if he stays in his bed all night and so will P. *Bunny always gets a sticker ;) and we praise whoever got their morning sticker.
Rewards - Reward charts work exceptionally well, three stickers and we get an extra book at bedtime or a playdate at the park, or they can watch their favourite show. We keep it simple and work within their understanding. Have them feel what it’s like to get a reward by starting off with just rewarding them for getting ready for bed on their own. Make it a great experience to earn this reward!
2) Set boundaries - toddler LOVE to push boundaries but they also thrive off boundaries. It brings order to their life and they know what the limits are and what to expect. Boundaries can be physical or mental. Sometimes toddlers need physical boundaries like their crib (I recommend keeping toddlers in cribs for as long as possible). Cribs, gates and doors are physical boundaries. The number one cause of toddler sleep disruptions is moving them too soon to a big boy/girl bed. Why? because they just don’t have the physical impulse control to stay in their beds (they physically CANNOT stay there), we want to make sure we are working within their neurological stage of development. Mental boundaries are those boundaries you set for your family. Think about what your boundaries will be (they are different for every family). Clearly set those boundaries and communicate them. ie. a boundary at bedtime is that we don’t get out of bed and walk around the house.
3) Natural, Fair Consequences - Together with boundaries come consequences, these also need to be clearly communicated and consistently enforced. ex. if you get out of your bed and walk around the house, mommy is going to silently return you back to your bed. These should be immediate and not something that is going to happen tomorrow. Another example: if you throw toys mommy is going to close the door. Again these are yours to decide. Do what you feel is fair and right for YOUR family.
We have to approach these three strategies in order. First you communicate with your toddler, get them on your side. Secondly, set clear boundaries. Lastly, have clear consequences.
Let me put it this way, we need to learn from our toddlers. They are MASTERS at applying these three strategies. If you are going in every time your toddler screams for you and demands you pick them up and take them to your bed. They have you on their side: you clearly understand the expectation (to be picked up or brought to your bed). They have set clear boundaries: Must lie him down with you to go to sleep. They have set clear consequences: if you don’t do this I will cry and scream until you do.
They are little geniuses! We can’t implement these but they sure can.
We’ve been schooled by our toddlers!
Having said all this, there are many developmental changes during this age and we also start to see toddlers become scared and have nightmares. Use your judgement, if you feel they need some extra support, reassurance and cuddles please respond accordingly. One or two nights of reassurance after a nightmare are not going to derail all your plans (I would camp out in their room if they need that extra support once in a while, it’s easier for you to leave their room than for them to leave yours ;)).
If you need help coming up with a plan for your toddler, taking into consideration your family dynamics, personality and needs send me a message at www.lilbabysleep.com/contact-me and lets chat about practical ways to apply these strategies. You will see great results. You are not alone, I will be there and I’ll bring hugs, Tylenol and coffee.
