Many parents are nervous when it comes to crying during sleep training or making any changes that cause frustration & inevitably some tears. I get it! It’s hard to see your little one cry. The truth is that crying can happen for many different reasons including, that your little one is actually just tired.
Sometimes the need is just for sleep. We always want to make sure that all of their needs are checked off first but often if you understand your babies’ cries, you know exactly what they need and when to respond versus reacting frantically to every sound trying to stop it (which doesn’t work and will only cause you more frustration in the end).
It’s about regulating yourself, watching, assessing and responding accordingly.
The reality the amount of crying you will get when your baby is exhausted and getting fractured sleep is actually substantially more and long term. When making changes, yes babies will cry. Mostly because they are frustrated, and learning something they’ve never had to do before is hard. But it’s temporary.
The alternative, crying because of exhaustion can be long term.
We want to make sure we avoid much of that crying by having a sleep plan that covers schedule, sleep environment, wind downs and sets the ideal conditions for sleep. An overtired baby will cry so much more!
The misconception is that the only choice is to leave them to cry but you can still respond and comfort/calm while helping them learn this new skill, that’s going to get them sleeping better and end the crying for good (there is always going so be some crying after sleep training but it shouldn’t be more than a few minutes and not frequently).
After working on sleep your baby should go into bed happy and not be crying emotionally AND SLEEPING well! Which in turn, will improve their mood and tears the next day.
In reality, working on sleep will take away the stress of crying long term.
So WHY is my baby crying so much when they aren’t sleeping well? and why is it better to work on sleep to avoid crying?
Here are 6 reasons why:
1. Their pain threshold goes down and babies (humans) feel things more intensely when tired. A recent study found that a single night of sleep deprivation reduced a person's pain threshold by more than 15 per cent and left a clear signature in the brain's pain-management centres. It’s proven that poor sleep intensifies our sensitivity to pain, this is the same for our babies and children. A dull pain from teething for example will be felt more when tired. This is why a child that is not sleeping well often feels more pain and cries more.
2. They are fussy and bothered by the feeling of being so tired. No one likes being tired. It plays with your emotions and affects your ability to process emotions and self-regulate. Babies that are getting fractured sleep are more agitated, less able to process the world around them and fussier. Their mind is tired but because it’s gone into a stress response, flooding their system with stress hormones but their little bodies are wired making it harder for them to rest and sleep.
3. They are overstimulated and YOU are preventing them from sleeping. It’s true, it’s hard to believe that YOU are actually causing them to stay awake or to wake fully but a study on maternal intervention shows that parents who intervened too quickly indadvertedly caused more wake ups and periods of awake time at night. It’s also linked to the child’s ability to self settle through out the night as they grow. By attempting to PUT your baby to sleep, you can actually be waking them up and disturbing their sleep. This is why it’s important to know what to look for and respond accordingly before jumping in.
4. They are frustrated because they need something to fall asleep. Our repetitive behaviours create associations and babies can learn very quickly that one thing means that another will happen. Ie. Rocking = Sleep, Feeding = sleep ect. Changing these association is what is referred to as sleep training. There are many ways to do this and it can be done in a way that is comfortable for you. The crying however that you see when babies NEED that one thing to fall asleep can be more intense but easily eliminated by showing them how to fall asleep without NEEDING anything or having to cry out for those conditions to repeat in order to fall asleep. In cases where we change the association, your baby should be able to wake up and put themselves back to sleep without crying.
5. They get sick more often as their immune system is lowered by lack of sleep. Yes lack of sleep can affect your immune system.
It’s important that you and your little one get quality sleep to strengthen your immune systems and prevent illness or recover faster from illness. Deep “delta” sleep of each sleep cycle, which happens mostly at the beginning of the night is responsible for boosting immune function, however, if we are overtired our bodies keep us in mostly light sleep and we miss going into this deep sleep stage which is so necessary.
6. You are tired so they feel unregulated. A parent’s state directly affects your child’s state and response. If you are exhausted and not sleeping well, it will affect your ability to regulate your emotions. If you are feeling dis-regulated your baby will co-regulate and feel that. This can exacerbate crying and cause distress in baby. Frustration is felt and passed on so making sure you are feeling well and sleeping well is going to greatly affect the likelihood of your child feeling well and sleeping well. A happy parent is a rested parent and happiness/calmness is contagious.
You can take small steps to get you all feeling better but you have to be ready to commit to a plan and consistency.
All of these reasons and more are why the fear of crying generally causes more crying, long term stress and exhaustion and affects both parents and children mentally and physically.
Making changes are hard. They are short term and the short term crying is nothing like long term crying or the crying that’s already happening (same intensity).
Except the short term work is temporary and eliminates the crying long term.
There is no magic quick fix for anything, even if you find it or you have a few good nights it’s not going to give you results in the long run. Sleep training is about changing associations, creating great sleep habits and foundations and changing the way you approach sleep. It’s a process. That in itself takes commitment and dedication because consistency will be the key.
It’s almost impossible to do it without a solid plan and understanding of what the current problem is. It’s also going to likely fail without the support to get your through the bumps and answer questions/adjust to your baby’s response and temperament along the way.
Reach out for a plan and support so it’s faster and you don’t struggle. You want to get sleeping now, so you don’t miss out on all the moments you’re all missing while being tired.
